Tim: I've decided to end it all. Tina left me for a Sybian, I'm being blackmailed by a woman in a coma, and my father claims I sexually abused him when I was a child...
Marcia: It's always darkest before the dawn.
Tim: Just had to rub it in that I'm blind, didn't you?
Marcia: You have so much to live for. You're just learning how to use your prosthetic arms!
(Creepy organ music creeps in.)
Phantom of the Soap Opera: Mwwweeeehaahaaa! Tomorrow on As the Bile Churns...
Johnny Swoon: I can't take it any more. Leave your husband!
Andrea: But he's your husband too!
Johnny Swoon: Goddamn gay marriage!
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